Wow…first Zombies, and now Deep Impact.   Austin’s getting fucked.

During the Austin Marathon this weekend, mysterious fireballs were seen streaking in from the sky.  Now, fireballs are one thing, but that marathon totally fucked up my commute this Sunday.  I had to walk around several barricades to get my coffee.  Stupid healthy people.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, the sky is falling-

What happened was that several days earlier, there was the world’s (universe’s?) FIRST high speed spacecraft collision.  A US and Russian satellite smacked into each other out there in the troposphere (probably not, but that’s a cool word) and began raining down on…central Texas.

The real tragedy isn’t that some high school football stadium got flattened in west Texas somewhere, the real problem is that this is the opening salvo in a HUGE problem brewing out there in low Earth orbit.  See, remember that scene in Wall-E when the spaceship of fatties (pot, kettle, black) comes back to Earth, and there’s a debris cloud around the planet?


This is where we’re heading.  See, those smashed up Sputniks left a small debris cloud rocketing around in orbit.  Now, we have dozens of projectiles where before there was two.  Now, those can collide with other satellites, smashing those up.  And now there’s hundreds of particles.  A chain reaction will take hold, and next thing you know…there’s millions of little particles orbiting.

“Eh, Big deal.” you say.  Well, think about it.

Now, when a shuttle launches or a communications satellite goes up, we have to take into account every little object up there…because each one can rip through a shuttle, an astronaut, a solar panel, and the Lexus satellite used to check up on Tim Murphy’s oil change.  (Old commercial reference…not on youtube.)

So what can happen is all the communication devices we have up there that say…run cell phones, the internet, national defense…could all be wrecked.  And no internet means no Nakatomi.

So, here’s what I propose.  Give me a laser gun, and shoot me into space.  I will blast the hell out of those direlect satellites like a retro game of Asteroids.

There ya go…Youtube won’t let me down twice.

The REALLY scary thing is that this will block entry to space for the foreseeable future.  And with the way we’re dicking up this planet, we’re going to need to get off at some point.  And the last thing we need future generations worrying about is great-grand dad’s space-litter fucking up the only way away from marauding mutated sea creatures that are threatening genocide on humanity in the year 2112.

Way to go, great-grand dad.  You dick.

I want a laser gun.

-alex fugazi

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