Remember when monsters were cool? I grew up on monster movies, good and bad. Scary or funny. It seemed like if you had a vampire or werewolf in something, I was going to love it.

And then came Stephanie Meyers and her book, Twilight. Followed by sequels, movies, and millions of girls and women lacking something in their lives or significant others. The same kind of girls that never in a million years would have watched a real monster movie before they made one where shirtless models prance around and stared at each other longingly. These books and films have no blood, no sex – the two ingredients crucial to making the perfect monster. No, these creatures of the night talk about feelings without actually doing anything about them.

Yeah, I’m a hater. But come on, they’re all so pretty!

Where are all the Count Orloks of yesteryear? Where did you go, Lon Chaney?

I’m taking monsters back. Sorry, ladies… but you should have stuck with magic ponies and Lisa Frank stickers. Now that you’ve made monster movies into a sparkly bazillion dollar franchise, everyone is going to copy your success… and I can’t allow that to happen. It’s my mission – my destiny – to show the world how much better Twilight would be with REAL monsters, like Grandpa Al Lewis.

Kids these days. No chutzpah.

Twilight Saga: New Moon, featuring the O. D. (Original Dracula)

The plot: Distraught by being left by Edward Cullen and his sparkling magicness, a lonely Bella befriends a new transplant to Forks, Washington. Royalty from an exotic place that isn’t in the Pacific Northwest (Pittsburgh, maybe? She’s sure he said Pennsylvania.) has arrived, and Count Dracula has set his transfixing gaze on that sweet piece of Bella-bait. He likes ’em young, dumb, and ready to come… over to talk about what their relationship means and how their spiritual bond is stronger than any physical one would be. Then he bites her and makes her get him snacks in the form of other high school girls.

Because that’s how Lugosi rolls, playa.

Panty-Check: In an effort to prove real monsters can be just as lucrative and sexy to Twilight’s key demographic as a pale kid with perfectly-mussed hair and Revlon-brand plum lipstick, I reviewed the plot with four 18-year-old Twilight fans, and one 36-year-old mother. Then, under the most clinical conditions, their panties were checked for saturation levels. I know, being a scientist is my burden. Twilight with the O.D. scored pretty well, particularly with a couple of the girls with daddy issues. The mom brought the average down quite a bit, being bone dry from a lack of cougar appeal.

Monster Rating: Like Edward ever stood a chance. In a surprising scene, Dracula scolds the undead poser by revealing the Cullen whelp as a living, breathing kid from Akron, Ohio with glitter make-up applied liberally around his much fawned-over body. Then he makes him get some more high school girls. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Twilight Meets The Monster Cereals

The Plot: Yogurt said it best in Spaceballs: “Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made!” Young Edward Cullen has taken this lesson to heart, introducing an exciting line of Twilight-themed journals, charm necklaces, sparkle-action vibrators, and a best-selling line of “How to Imagine Your Boyfriend is Edward” self-help books. But as the cash rolls in, the shift in licensing dollars is noticed by the unholy lord of cocoa: Count Chocula! The General Mills nosferatu seeks to acquire Edward’s sensitive, sales-savvy power of charm for himself… at any cost.

But the local wolf pack will have none of it. In a desperate attempt to resurrect and achieve the market dominance he once had, pack leader Fruit Brute makes an offer the ashen representatives of Cullen, Inc. cannot refuse: pitch for the Brute, or suffer the same fate as the upstart Fruity Yummy Mummy. Can the Houses of Cullen and Chocula strike a devil’s bargain to defeat the beastly toasted oat shillers and enjoy a tenuous balance where both can take advantage of brand-recognition? And can they build a legitimate infringement case against the makers of this fine product?

The Vampire Fleshlight. Yes, it’s real. Yes, you put your Lil’ Edward in there.

Panty-Check: I spilled a bowl of BooBerry on one of the girls. Does that count?

Monster rating: They’re more silly than scary, but the real Fah-rooooOOOOooooOOOOOoooot flavor goes along way with me.

Teen-Wolves, Too: New Moon

The plot: Scott Howard is going through changes. The girl of his dreams won’t give him the time of day, his basketball team sucks, and he just found out he’s a werewolf. And as if that isn’t enough, four really buff dudes that live half-nakedly out on a “reservation” together are horning in on his wolf action!

But with the help of his pal Stiles, who is making an absolute mint off selling knock-off Twilight merchandise, and his long-time companion Boofella, Scott might just have what it takes to defeat moody bully Edward Cullen and his coven of starved American Apparel models in time to prove who the Big Wolf on Campus is!

Panty-Check: Remember when Michael J. Fox was considered sexy? Neither do these girls. But they did admit to tingles when they saw the Wolfmobile:

Who WOULDN”T get a little saucy over that ride?

Monster Rating: Okay, so Teen Wolf doesn’t really inspire fear or dread. But he is fun, and exactly what the ever-mopey Twilight franchise could use a little bit of. Plus, he’s living proof that you don’t have to shop at the Victorian Glamour section of Target to be in a monster movie.

There’s a Vampire at the End of this Movie!

The Plot: Taking more from the Sesame Street children’s classic in which Grover warns the reader of their impending run-in with a monster, this Children’s Television Workshop adaptation of the Twilight series stars Count von Count in an exciting counting adventure for all ages.

…and yet, there’s still more sex than in Twilight.

Panty-Check: It seemed like a snoozer until Robert Pattinson showed up in a special guest appearance. Despite the Count’s count of Pattinson’s eyebrows (ONE! Ah-ah-ah!), studies showed an increased moistness when the fan-favorite actor stood there with his mouth open for three (THREE! Ah-ah-ah!) uninterrupted minutes.

Monster Rating: Yes, the Count is a felt send-up of the original with a predilection for numerology. But that puppet is still more convincing as a dread creature of the night than the entire cast of both Twilight films. For one (ONE! Ah-ah-ah!), he has FANGS. Secondly (TWO! Ah-ah-ah!), he has bats flying around him. And finally… 666 is the number of the beast. (THREE SIXES! Ah-ah-ah!)

An American Werewolf in Twilight

The Plot: Despite warnings from the local hicks to stay away from the woods for fear of pretty teenagers running up trees, two hiking buddies are attacked by a big honkin’ wolf. While one is horrendously slaughtered by the beast, the other survives the attack because of the timely intervention of Edward Cullen and his clan of kissy-faces. But young David is never the same, and is cursed not just with becoming a huge, slavering wolf during a full moon, but also maddening visits from his dead friend who insists the only way to find peace is to kill himself.

Pretty emo, right? Hardly. That’s the COMICAL part of the movie. Then David turns into a werewolf.

Fucking scary, right? Now compare to THIS:

Almost 30 years later, and that’s how the painful curse of lycanthropy is depicted? Man, fuck CGI. Anyways, David looks to his new friends for help, but they’re too busy standing around looking desperately/hungrily/blankly at each other. Until this thing shows up and slaughters them all.

These guys scared the hell out of me. Can you imagine this in Twilight? Yeah, right.

So David loses his battle, but not before viciously devouring the oddly-hairless Calvin Klein wolfboys out on their Spirit Quest. Because these hand lotion abusers aren’t WEREWOLVES:

HE is:

Panty Check: Oh, they were soaked, alright. But I’m pretty sure it’s from being piss-scared.

Monster Rating: The fact that other werewolf movies were even allowed to be made after 1981, a year that saw An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, AND Wolfen… well, that’s just a shame. But New Moon even existing is a dick-slap to the face of every great horror movie ever. Even the crappy Underworld movies knew to respect what came before them, at least a little.

Twilight: The Fan Fiction

The Plot: That last entry bummed me out. Classic monster movies are as dead as Bela Lugosi. So I give up. For the last film, I added to the cast of Twilight a number of mass-appeal bloodsuckers, including Angel and Spike from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, Brad Pitt from Interview with a Vampire, the girlie-looking guy from Queen of the Damned, and Harry Potter because… well, why the hell not. They all get into a big-ass hair-pulling match for Bella’s affections, then start making out with each other. Poor Bella doesn’t know who to choose, so she sticks with her beloved Edward (once he stopped dry humping that wizard kid). They live happily ever after and have vampire babies, and… oh, that’s really how the series ends? Holy shit.

Panty-Check: It took the selfless heroism and combined effort of Michael Knight, his car KITT, and the A-Team to save me from drowning.

Monster Rating: Pfffffft.

So that’s it. Monsters lose to gaunt, pale kids that forgot how to use their testosterone. If I seem sad, or bitter, it’s because one of my favorite things was taken away from me and made into a chick flick. Ladies, that’s like if someone took the idea of unicorns and made a billion dollars by depicting them as fuck-crazy hell-beasts bent on shitting on everyone for laughs and screwing buttholes with their spiked horns. You’d feel a little violated, right?

Ummmm… okay, that’s it, because I just got a great idea for a new book series.

Yeah, I don’t know, either.