You wouldn’t believe the year I had. It was an incredible journey of self-discovery and redemption. You see, through the amazing future technology of the ALT program, I was able to live amongst the beautiful, blue-skinned natives of the Onomatopoeia tribe.

Me in my host body. They called me T’undalips.

Now, if you haven’t seen a certain film that has recently been released in theaters, let me warn you that there are some uncanny similarities to my own life-experience. You may want to see it before I tell you more about my travels in an alien-but-breathtaking world.

James Cameron’s subtle masterpiece, in theaters now!

I’ll start by saying that because this was my real life, it was all in 3-D. Things were a little blurry, but all in all I recommend seeing your own life in 3-D. The effects are stunning!

My spiritquest began when I was sent along with Ripley from Aliens to find a peaceable way to get the lovely-but-deadly savages to relocate away from the world’s largest deposit of the very valuable Nowaytogetyermitssonitanium mineral. We lived with their people, taught them our language and learned their own. We studied their culture and walked amongst them in the trees. It was kinda boring.

They kept wanting me to stick my hair into various creatures and plants. They called it bonding with the forest, but it felt more like getting freak-ay with nature.

“You want to break me by sticking your what in my where now?”

Turns out, they saw me as some kind of “chosen one.” When I first got there, a bunch of flowers fell on me. So the tribe was eager to put their fate in my blue hands, the misguided dopes. I was trained in their most sacred of ways by their chief’s hottie daughter.

One of the LEAST bizarre pictures of her on the internet.

She told me about how her great-grandfather was the legendary dragon-rider, Muad’Dib, who was able to tame the planet’s greatest beast. When we saw the fearsome monster, I told her our people called it Velocikickassasaurus Rex. She said it was known to her tribe as “To’oka.” I told her I liked our name better. Anyways, I knew right then I was going to bag her… AND become the next legendary beast-rider/warrior-king of the clan. Maybe I’d even unite ALL the clans!

But in my real body, which was atrophied and useless from playing too much World of Warcraft, I was unintentionally giving information to an angry military commander.

My commanding officer, Sgt. Slaughter (as a heel).

He was spying on my blogs. Seriously.

So, my own people were ready to viciously wipe out any blue-skin in their path to get to the… what was it they wanted again? Eh, it doesn’t matter. Sgt. Slaughter looked like he just wanted to kill a bunch of natives while riding around in a Transformer. The entire squadron of G.I. Joes, space marines, rednecks, and members of the Handlebar Mustache Guild of Dayton County were upon us, and it was up to me and my new brothers to stop them. With arrows. They had goddamn Gundams!

YOU try fighting a bunch of these things with a stick.

But fortunately, a combination of faith, environmentalism, communion with nature, Michelle Rodriguez, and love saved us from the evil human empire. I don’t even use my own body anymore. I’m playing… err… living in the body I was meant to be in! As Muad’Dib of the Onomatopoeia clan of the MannaManna people! And I just leveled up… sweet!

Hopefully, I didn’t spoil anything for you by telling of my adventure in compassion and understanding. But hey, you’ve seen this story a dozen times, anyways.

-Posted by T’undlips from the Tree of Souls

Bonus Extras!

Hi, I’m Michelle Rodriguez. You think my involvement is pretty pointless? What about Giovanni Ribisi? At least I did something besides look mopey. I looked “knowingly pouty,” and that’s not an easy emotion to portray. Suck my d**k!

Hi, I’m the blue girl from Avatar. And I am going to be this generation’s slave outfit Princess Leia. I’m eight feet of lean, lithe, azure fantasy mate. Now stick your hair in that tree and let’s have virtual sex!