You may know the creature as Yeti. Or, you may prefer the Abominable Snowman. When the beast is sighted in the U.S., it’s typically called Bigfoot, or Sasquatch. Hillbillies even have their own classy name for it, the Skunk Ape. Steve Austin calls him a chump.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for ripping off his exploding arm.
Regardless of how you address your love letters to him, I’m here to tell you that the Yeti lives. But don’t take my word for it. I’m just the messenger. Instead, heed the wisdom of Sir David Attenborough. He’s been the BBC’s resident naturalist for half a century, and is responsible for the Life series of nature programs. You might know him better as the hushed British guy that narrates Planet Earth when you’ve decided you’re tired of hearing the American version hosted by Zuul. To further validate his rep, my extensive Wikipedia research told me a Reader’s Digest poll of almost 5,000 fish-and-chippers revealed Attenborough to be the most trusted celebrity in Britain. Plus, you may have noticed the SIR before his name. This hombre knows so much about animals, they put him in armor and gave him a sword to defend the Queen.
You’re on board now? Excellent. Here’s what Attenborough had to say:
“Very, very convincing footprints have been found.”
That’s all I needed to hear. I just sold my M.U.S.C.L.E.s collection to buy hiking gear.
I’m going to miss those weird little bastards.
You think I’m making a rash decision? Hardly. Take a look at the most important, vindicating photo you’ll ever see (not counting the one of your long-haired dad with the joint hanging from his lips taken before you came along and screwed things up.)
That big toe is too ugly to be made up.
I’d say the evidence is pretty damning, and not just because I think that makes me sound like a high-paid trial lawyer. But if that’s not enough for you, let me add this little factoid: that photograph was taken at an elevation of 19,000 feet.
Now, I’ve gone a long way to pull a fast one. I once had most of my small hometown thinking I was in the running to be the newest Power Ranger because of my “wicked soccer-fu skills.” But I’d never risk my deceit-filled life climbing a mountain to leave a prank that was very likely never to be seen. I keep my hoaxes based in my comfort zone, which is pretty much my one-bedroom apartment. Yes, you may refer to me as Loki, the Trickster God.
So there you go. Empirical evidence that not only the ‘squatch exists, but can also hop amazing distances on one foot. Way further than the still-impressive bound of Andre the Giant covered in the collected pubic hair shavings of the cast and crew of The Six Million Dollar Man. Before you go to bed tonight, I want you to think about what this can mean for our wonderful world. Cherish the knowledge that somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, the Yeti stalks far from the prying eyes of the BBC.
Tags: Abominable Snowman, Andre the Giant, Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Skunk Ape, Yeti