I just saw the movie Push.

I know I’m a little late in the game, but I want this recorded so that future generations will know.

The children, I think of them.

Now, I love super-humans.  I watched Jumper twice, even though Hayden Christiansen is, even without Lucas’ help, a terrible actor.  I loved the first two X-Men movies.  But I also loved Waitress, because it showed a different kind of superhuman, the kind I find more likely, in her case, the artist/empath expressing herself through pies.  And Happy Feet was a spiritual mind-blower, with Mumble the Penguin as the avian Muad’Dib.

But sometimes you get the gom jabbar, and that movie is Push.

A truism I’ve come to believe is that any movie that begins with a long-winded narration is gonna suck.  This one began with a bad novella.

It started off almost cool.  Then I quickly learned to hate the Nick the Hero.  Then I learned to hate his little gal pal.  Then I kind of wished that we could see more of the  interesting supporting characters.  Then I realized that Nick the Hero would keep tailgating their lives, thereby laming those stories too.

Then I started fantasizing about the Watchmen trailer I’d seen before the movie.  Then I started fantasizing about the trailer for Crank 2: High Voltage.  It looks absolutely terrible, but it made me laugh.

I began to think about how watching a movie is like going out on a date.  Here’s me and Push, arm-in-arm, stepping out for a night together.  But this date sucks, and I didn’t realize it until we had already ordered appetizers and the waiter was on his way back to take down our entrees.  She’s yammering and here I am thinking about the hostess and some good-looking but utterly crazybones tattoo aficionado I’d seen leaving with another guy.  And I’m already hoping that my own date doesn’t want dessert and smooches on her doorstep before I can go home and wash the stank of her off.

…and then I’m still watching the movie, sweet memories of Jason Statham fading like shower steam to reveal the horror of a filthy bathroom.

My reward for not leaving and maybe catching the last few minutes of Underworld: Rise of the Lycans?  Several plot points left unresolved, a hero who didn’t really save the day, and absolutely zero interest in seeing the necessary and inevitable sequel.

If this movie were a song, it would be “Seventeen” by Winger.  Sure, it fills the need for a rock song, but there’s been better before, and there will be better later.  All it does is fill in the gaps on your crappy Mixtape of Pussy-Pussness.  When a better song comes along, you’ll forget you even heard it.

Better yet, check out the video.  It takes less time to watch than Push, and check out Kip Winger’s wolfen teeth and mane.  Rise of the Lycans, indeed!

Figure A: Check this shit out.

Figure B: This shit kicks ass.

Not to make this a regular feature, but god-damn, this guy is good.  My CLOSE RELATIVE Daniel Francis Doyle uses a loop pedal to great effect (and affect) in his live shows.  But this guy…this guy makes his loop machine make me smile and fly around my house on a cloud of beatboxing bliss, narrowly avoiding the ceiling fans.

Reggie Watts-

Special thanks to 4112 for the heads up on this one-

- alex fugazi

Wow…first Zombies, and now Deep Impact.   Austin’s getting fucked.

During the Austin Marathon this weekend, mysterious fireballs were seen streaking in from the sky.  Now, fireballs are one thing, but that marathon totally fucked up my commute this Sunday.  I had to walk around several barricades to get my coffee.  Stupid healthy people.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, the sky is falling-

What happened was that several days earlier, there was the world’s (universe’s?) FIRST high speed spacecraft collision.  A US and Russian satellite smacked into each other out there in the troposphere (probably not, but that’s a cool word) and began raining down on…central Texas.

The real tragedy isn’t that some high school football stadium got flattened in west Texas somewhere, the real problem is that this is the opening salvo in a HUGE problem brewing out there in low Earth orbit.  See, remember that scene in Wall-E when the spaceship of fatties (pot, kettle, black) comes back to Earth, and there’s a debris cloud around the planet?

This is where we’re heading.  See, those smashed up Sputniks left a small debris cloud rocketing around in orbit.  Now, we have dozens of projectiles where before there was two.  Now, those can collide with other satellites, smashing those up.  And now there’s hundreds of particles.  A chain reaction will take hold, and next thing you know…there’s millions of little particles orbiting.

“Eh, Big deal.” you say.  Well, think about it.

Now, when a shuttle launches or a communications satellite goes up, we have to take into account every little object up there…because each one can rip through a shuttle, an astronaut, a solar panel, and the Lexus satellite used to check up on Tim Murphy’s oil change.  (Old commercial reference…not on youtube.)

So what can happen is all the communication devices we have up there that say…run cell phones, the internet, national defense…could all be wrecked.  And no internet means no Nakatomi.

So, here’s what I propose.  Give me a laser gun, and shoot me into space.  I will blast the hell out of those direlect satellites like a retro game of Asteroids.

There ya go…Youtube won’t let me down twice.

The REALLY scary thing is that this will block entry to space for the foreseeable future.  And with the way we’re dicking up this planet, we’re going to need to get off at some point.  And the last thing we need future generations worrying about is great-grand dad’s space-litter fucking up the only way away from marauding mutated sea creatures that are threatening genocide on humanity in the year 2112.

Way to go, great-grand dad.  You dick.

I want a laser gun.

-alex fugazi

Okay…okay.  I give up.  This is the greatest freaking thing in the world.  A wearable computer rig that will allow you to immerse yourself in wi-fi, allowing the data stream flow around you, augmenting your reality.  Now, this is just the test model…once you get this thing miniaturized, there will be no stopping this.  It’s one of those emergent technologies that we didn’t know we needed until we saw it.  The video is completely amateur, and there’s little audio, but the complete amazing-ness of this technology is evident to anyone with half a brain.

Check it-

These MIT guys did this with existing tech- a web cam and a tiny projector.  Get someone behind it like Sony or Apple, and you will instantly revolutionize the way people buy, read, take pictures, anything.  The commercial applications of this device are endless, and THAT is why it will happen.

The future is now.

-alex fugazi

It’s Valentine’s Day.  Did you remember everything?

Flowers- check.

Card- check.

Chocolate Covered Strawberries- check.

The Limited edition Nakatomi Invitational T-shirt and Poster releases?  FAIL!  ABORT!

Don’t worry- there’s still time.  Today is the VERY last day the original 3 Poster / Shirt Invitational releases will be available.  At Midnight tonight, C.S.T. they’re ‘outta here!

Scoot your sweet self over to the NAKATOMI INVITATIONAL and get ‘em.  Because just like true love…these will soon expire.  (I don’t even know what that meant.)

-alex fugazi